The 15 People I would invite to a dinner party.

I haven't thought about this for a while, you know, where you talk about the 15 or so people you would invite to a dinner party with no limitations? I shortened it to five though. Research suggests that when you get more than six people together the group conversation splits into separate groups. Plus, I would NOT invite folks like Thomas Jefferson or Socrates, those guys are pretty intense, and I would have a tough time relaxing. So here they are in no particular order:




1. Kate Moss. She has always been cool in my book. Unflappable and articulate.




2. My brother, Matthew. He would say things that I would be too embarassed or intimidated to say.





3. Terry Pratchett. He is one of my all time favorite authors and his writings are so witty and insightful, I'm betting that he is, too.





4. Penn Jillette. Penn is a sharp skeptic who is multi-talented even though he is sometimes abrasive. I was a fan of Penn & Teller back in the day when they exposed the tricks of cheesy magicians and became even a bigger fan of their Showtime show, "Bullshit." They are great live in Vegas at the Rio. Check them out if you make it out there.




5. You. You're a lot of fun to hang out with and I value your input.

Tales of Slack: Chapter 12 (part 4)

"Matthew's Hubcap Trick"

Scully's Bar. The Tenderloin, San Francisco. 1996

Matthew and I were sitting in front of Scully's bar. There was some crappy plastic lawn furniture chained to a pole. This was before Mr. Phillips had the deck built off to the side. Anyways, Frankie Styles and Andie pulled up and parked illegally right in front of us. He was still driving that black station wagon that he thought looked like a hearse. It kind of did look like a hearse in the same way a pony kind of looks like a horse.

"Dan. Ork." He said as he walked up. He always called Matthew, "Ork," but I can't remember why. I think Frankie once said he used to play Dungeons & Dragons and Matthew reminded him of a juvenile Ork. That sounds faintly familiar so let’s go with that. After Andie got her stuff together, she got out of the passenger side and waved as she flashed us a smile.

"What's going on?" Andie said still smiling. She looked like she could be Tori Amos’ younger sister. Brownish red hair, wide mouth with exaggerated lips, and twinkling blue eyes. Which, I might add, always seemed to linger when we made eye contact.

"Go on in, Andie. Let me have a word with the Brothers Slack." Frankie said.

"Sure, see you guys inside." Andie said walking in.

Frankie smiled down on us like a proud father. "Do you fellas see something missing from the bone wagon?"

"You call your station wagon the "bone wagon?"" Matthew said with a chuckle.

"Do you see something missing?" He persisted.

"Yeah, your hubcap." I said.

"Right! Your powers of perception never cease to amaze me. Here's ten bucks, Orc. See if you can find me a match." He held the ten dollar bill and motioned to the garage/body shop next to Scully's with its over filled parking lot of projects and wrecks spilling into Scully's parking lot.

"Sure, Frankie, sure. . .I gotcha covered." Matthew said taking the ten.

Frankie grinned and made a clicking sound in his cheek as he pointed at us both, his fingers simulating two pistols. "I'll catch you two later." And he went into Scully's.

"Can he see us?" Matthew asked thumbing towards the bar’s window behind us.

I looked and could see Frankie talking to Andy Boy as Andie Girl moved behind the bar. "Nope. He’s talking to Andy Boy."

Matthew took out a clunky Swiss Army Knife and pulled out the little screwdriver and ducked around to the rear of the driver's side of Frankie's car. A squeaking metal sound preceded Matthew returning with Frankie's hubcap. He walked around and popped Frankie's rear left hubcap on the vacant front right hubcap.

"There we go." He grinned and sat back down in the plastic chair with a look of immense satisfaction. “Perfect match.”

Andie had apparently put some money in the jukebox before getting behind the bar because someone had just turned on the outside speakers and the music playing was her favorite bar tune, “El Paso” by Marty Robbins. We could hear the few patrons in the bar singing along with the parts they knew.

Matthew softly sang too, “And at last here I am on the hill overlooking El Paso; I can see Rosa's cantina below.” Then looked up and said, “Wanna go to the taqueria and get a burrito?”

My mind immediately pictured a watermelon sized burrito filled with rice, beans, and cheese. “Yeah, that sounds good. The one around the corner?”

“Yeah”

At the same time we were planning on spending the $10, Frankie left Scully’s and after noticing the “new” hubcap said, “Pretty fast, Ork." He walked around to the front of his car as Matthew gave him the thumbs up. Matthew laughed as Frankie drove away oblivious to the fact that he still only had three hubcaps.

Should you quit your day job?

Here's a quiz from the Official Slacker Handbook:

Inching up the wage scale is important, but one should never underestimate the importance of finding a day job that truly suits the slack lifestyle. Before you leave your $7 an hour job managing that tiny out of the way used bookstore for a $14 an hour job toting cement blocks around a construction site, take some time to assess those intangibles that make a day job worth keeping:

"I never have to wake up before 11AM to make it to work on time." TRUE 4 points FALSE -3 points

"I work three days a week or fewer." TRUE 5 points FALSE -2 points

"My job taxes less than 2 percent of my mental reserves." TRUE 4 points FALSE -2 points

"I can read books and magazines of my own selection while at work." TRUE 1 point FALSE -1 point

"I can watch TV at work." TRUE 3 points FALSE -0 points

"My friends can come hang out with me while I'm at work and I still get paid." TRUE 2 points FALSE -2 points

"I have never broken a sweat at work." TRUE 2 points FALSE -2 points

"I never have to move quickly at work." TRUE 3 points FALSE -2 points

"My stress levels at work range from "low" to "very low."" TRUE 4 points FALSE -2 points

"I can make long, personal phone calls at work." TRUE 1 point FALSE -1 point

"I can make long, long distance personal calls at work." TRUE 2 points FALSE -0 points

"I can make long, international personal calls at work." TRUE 3 points FALSE -0 points

"I am free to act sullen and rude with any customers I might come into contact with at work." TRUE 2 points FALSE -1 point

"I can more or less choose to work whenever the mood strikes." TRUE 4 points FALSE -1 point

"I can smoke while on the job." TRUE 2 points FALSE -5 points

"I am encouraged to smoke while on the job." TRUE 4 points FALSE -0 points

"I have an unlimited supply of FREE coffee at work." TRUE 4 points FALSE -2 points

"I can successfully perform the duties of my job while hung over." TRUE 1 point FALSE -1 point

"I can successfully perform the duties of my job while intoxicated." TRUE 3 points FALSE -0 points

"I can successfully perform the duties of my job while under the influence of mind altering drugs." TRUE 4 points FALSE -0 points

"I can drink alcohol at work whenever I want." TRUE 2 points FALSE -0 points

"When I fail to show up at work without notice, I am not promptly fired." TRUE 3 points FALSE -2 points

"When I fail to show up at work without notice, I am neither reprimanded nor promptly fired." TRUE 5 points FALSE -0 points

"I have little to no trouble leaving my job for a period of months and then returning to it." TRUE 3 points FALSE -2 points

"I do not have to wear a uniform at work." TRUE 1 points FALSE -4 points

"I do not have to wear a funny hat at work." TRUE 0 points FALSE -6 points

"I never wear a suit to work." TRUE 0 points FALSE -10 points

"I never wear pantyhose and high heels to work." (women only) TRUE 0 points FALSE -5 points

"My parents are ashamed to tell their friends what I do for a living." TRUE 7 points FALSE -1 points

"I can sit down with my friends, smoke, talk, read, write, doodle, put my feet up, and drink coffee for prolonged periods of time while still getting paid at work." TRUE 10 points FALSE -3 points

SCORING:

-60 to -1 points: Your job selection instinct is severely impaired. The only way your score would be acceptable for a slacker is if your salary is enabling you to sock away enough money to retire within the month. Otherwise, do yourself a favor. GET A NEW JOB.

0 to 19 points: Your score puts you in that slack employment limbo that indicates that you just aren't trying hard enough. Learn to tend bar, for heavens sake! Bone up on your cappuccino skills, perfect your scowl, and go apply at your neighborhood cafe. Trust me, you're working too hard.

20 to 50 points: Your score, while eminently respectable, still leave ample room for improvement. The question you must now ponder is simple: Do I have my job or does my job have me?

50+ points: CONGRATULATIONS! You have mastered the most important aspect of slack living. You have found the most perfect day job. (Now try your best not to get canned.)

***I scored a 61!!!***

Tales of Slack: Chapter 3

"I highly doubt Keven fell down."
The Flying Saucer Draught Emporium, Downtown Memphis, Tennessee. Years later. . .1998


The bar was not full. Just patrons on the fringes, kind of like moss on a brick wall, you know, creeping in on the edges. The problem was I knew it should be full by now and that worried me. I saw Rob in position near the pay phone, but couldn’t see where Kamal was. Had he slipped in while my back was turned? I'm pretty sure I had been vigilant.

A group of women practically burst in laughing, disrupting the piped in unknown alternative music. The waitress said, “Sit where ever you want, ladies.” The women proceeded to the center of the bar. The tiaras and pink feathered boa’s spelled out what they were: a bachelorette party. The glittery sequins on their belts, purses, and shirts, when combined with their make-up gave me the distinct impression that they were tropical fish. You know, the colorful kind in salt water aquariums, and well, the ocean.

I looked over at Rob and made eye contact and then looked down at my watch, as if to say, “Where the hell is he?” Rob shrugged and shook his head.

Out of the window, I glimpsed a puff of smoke coming from behind the brick wall just out of view. Near the edge of the window I also saw the wind blow some long blond hair into view. Making eye contact again with Rob, I motioned for him to stay in position. I left the bar stool and my half-full pint glass as my place holder. Notice I didn't say "Half-empty?" I'm trying to be more optimistic these days.

“Leaving already?” The waitress asked.

Hey, she sounds genuinely disappointed, I thought as I said, “Nope, be right back.”

Outside, I turned left and saw Kamal leaning against the brick wall talking to a blond woman and to her right her just as blond, but clearly ready to go, friend.

“Hey, Kamal.” I said staying near the bar entrance several feet away from the trio.

“Lieutenant Dan!” Kamal smiled, “Come meet my new friends.”

I sighed and went to join the threesome, “Hey, nice to meet you." Then lower I added, "Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Sure, man, we got plenty of time, right?”

“No. No we do not have plenty of time unless we are going by Samhouri time which we are not.”

Turning to the women and with as much charm as possible, Kamal said “Sorry ladies, but unfortunately I must leave you.” Then added with a smile, “Call me.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t come in with the bachelorette party.” I said steering Kamal into the door.

“Eh? Bachelorettes?”

As we entered a different waitress said, “Back already, guys?”

I looked over at Rob’s location to now find it vacant. This is like herding cats! I thought. Was there some dark force keeping only two of us in the bar at once time? Too bad Jake was out of town, I'd like to see what ever was at work here keep four of us at bay.

“Hey Leah,” I said to the waitress, “Did you see Rob leave?"

"Who?" She asked.

"A tall, blond guy in a blue jean jacket. . .did anyone like that leave in the last 2 minutes?”

“No, I don’t think anyone has left.” Leah answered. Was starting to wonder if this was some kind of guessing game and I was just not asking the right questions.

“Wait around here, Kamal, watch the door.” I said in a low voice and headed deeper into the bar. I still saw no sign of Rob. The bachelorette party cackled as their first round of drinks arrived on a massive tray carried by a tiny waitress.

Walking into the bathroom, I immediately saw a pair of feet, as well as the legs connected to them, sprawled across the floor. Kevin’s small frame was splayed out with his head resting ever so gently against the wall. Rob was standing over him holding a small black case the size of a pack of post-it notes. “Got it.” He smiled.

“What happened to Kevin?” I said pointing at the unconscious punk, who, I had just noticed had dyed his hair a fluorescent orange. The brightly colored hair did not improve his normally greasy appearance . . . neither did lying on the floor in a bar's restroom, for that matter.

Rob shrugged as he handed me the black plastic case, “He fell down. . .sorta.”

Hey. . .you kids like poetry??

Here's a poem I wrote back in 1993. It’s the only one I've written and I'm not too inclined to write another . . . however, as always, I am keen to share it. It is primarily about:

Her Eyes

Stained glass etched in frost

Or green leaves turning gold

I always get hopelessly lost

In a gaze that never grows old

Reflecting a starry night

Emitting intelligence, oh so bright

Expressing passion or pain

Smiling while walking in the rain

Flashing in recognition

Sparkling with comprehension

Pine needles sprinkled with frost

Or emeralds set in gold

I hope to forever get lost

In a gaze that never grows old