Tarot Cards

This past week I went to a fortune teller near Shiloh. I've never gone to a fortune teller before and I was expecting a gypsy woman, I got this middle age woman with dyed red hair who was eating McDonald's for lunch. She looked like she would be comfortable driving a school bus.

"What do you want revealed to you by the cards?" She asked as she took a drink from the straw of a medium sized McDonald's cup.

I told her I was interested in knowing about the future of my love life, I told her about my online dating fiasco, and about my doomed ghost of my past story. She looked like she was not listening, but pulled a card out of her deck with two naked people on it called the Lovers and said "We'll use this as the focus card, then. . .Ok lets start."

Without any fanfare or theatrics, she shuffled the cards and pulled out a card that was of a kid carrying a stick. It said "Page of Wands" down at the bottom.

"You sir, are curious and flexible; so you can get involved in a relationship far too quickly, and then wonder how you got in so deep so fast. You should step back and reflect before you leap."

"Ok." That's sound advice, I suppose.

She shuffled the cards again and pulled out a card that was a jester looking guy about to step off a cliff. "Uh oh," I thought, "The Fool." She tapped it and said, "You like excitement and novelty. But the same old same old can be turned into a routine and some routines can expand into wonderful traditions. Try to start some regularness in your partnership."

"Is that a word? 'Regularness?' Besides I don't have a partnership to start routines in." The cards LIE! I joke inside my head.

She shrugged and shuffled the cards. The next card was upside down and was a blindfolded woman holding two swords.

"You hate to confront, so you tend to break up with women with silence or just leaving. You should be honest with them. Your disappointed partner will appreciate your honesty and you will feel more liberated."

"Hmmm." I said.

"Yes?"

"I used to be like that. . .I've broken up before by default, by moving away, but the past few times I've told them face to face and believe me, they did not seem to appreciate my honesty."

"Was it a shit storm?"

"Yes. . .it was a shit storm. Like a two hour shit storm with a secondary mini-shit storm follow up a week later."

She sniffed and shuffled the cards. She pulled out a card with a guy holding a candle and at the bottom it said "The Magician." "You should search for ways to inspire a woman who appears too traditional. You may draw out a cautious person who loves your spirit and wants to go exploring with you." She looked up at me expectantly.

"Well. . .I'm not a fan of ultra-conservative women. . .but I've never coaxed one out of her shell."

"Maybe you should."

"Which card tells me HOW?"

She grunted as if to say "tell me about it" and shuffled the cards. She placed one on the table that had a man and woman holding cups. "You tend to be popular. So when you find someone you are genuinely interested in, avoid other dating opportunities and concentrate on this one person."

"Ok." This was starting to sound like my own Modern Zodiac that I wrote for laughs. . .Had she read it??

The next card she pulled was one with a woman in it pouring water into a pond with a giant star above her, at the bottom it said, "The Star." "You prefer to take a relationship one day at a time. But when you find your partner in adventure, create imaginative ways to make a deeper commitment."

"Are you talking about role playing in the bedroom? You know, dressing up like a cop or something?"

She seemed to be thinking about it. "Ummm. No, just not getting in stuck in a rut."

"But you said this card," I pointed to the Fool, "meant I should put some regularness into a relationship. They seem contradictory."

"That's a good point." She conceded as she shuffled and drew the last card. It was an angel pouring something from one cup to another, and at the bottom it said, "Temperance." The angel had a serene expression on its face.

"Whenever this card comes up it's a lesson to have patience with others. You should try to think of where women are coming from. Remember, patience and perseverance."

"Go with the flow?" I asked.

"Go with the flow." She repeated.